Saturday Morning Showdown

Bullshitters Guide to Pro Wrestling (Oct.15)

Credit: WWE.com
Credit: WWE.com
Every week there’s not a PPV (which seems odd that there’s not one this weekend), I like to publish opinion pieces, as I’m sure my readers know. Many of those pieces discuss booking decisions, but for this week I’d like to try something different. Instead of writing an article with a serious tone, I’d like to loosen up for this particular one. Earlier this week I came across an article on Vice.com called The Bullshitters Guide to the NHL by Sean McIndoe, also known as Down Goes Brown. That article inspired me to write a similar piece, but for pro wrestling.

I’m not sure why anybody would become a fake wrestling fan, but I’m sure anybody who’s willing to must have a reason. Maybe your new girlfriend/boyfriend is a wrestling fan, or the group of people you hang out with get together to watch PPVs but don’t invite you. There’s a plethora of reasons, but if you have one, you’ve come to right place. By the time you’re finished reading this article, you should be able to complain with every pro wrestling fan you know.

1. Blame Vince McMahon

In all honesty, Vince has done a lot of good work for the WWE, and has taken over the pro wrestling world. Say what you want about him, but the man is simply a genius, however, as a wrestling fan that’s not something you’re supposed to remember. Instead, you need to discuss how Vince is out of touch with today’s fan base and simply doesn’t know how to cater to them. It doesn’t matter if he signs internet darlings and gives them a prominent role on Raw/Smackdown, he’s lost his mind. Using the words “Vince needs to go” will give you respect in any group of pro wrestling fans. Most of the time, you wouldn’t have to follow that up with a good argument, because the group of people you’re with will automatically start spewing reasons to support your claim. There may come a time where someone does put you on the spot for saying that, but all you need to say is “Roman Reigns”.

vince

See, Vince is essentially the scapegoat for all things WWE related, and it seems to work. Trust me, you don’t need to know what happens past the curtain because like all wrestling fans, you’re making an assumption.

2. Make fun of TNA

This might be one of the easier ones, as it requires no effort whatsoever. Check this out, with this tip, you don’t even have to watch TNA or even know what it is. You also won’t be alone in saying “TNA sucks” or “LOLTNA” because there’s tons of actual wrestling fans that don’t even know why they say that. In that case, you’ll luck out, as that conversation never goes past the one generic insult. If you really want to go deeper though, mention something along the lines of “TNA has no money” and you’ll be working your friends like silly putty.

tna-wrestling-logo

When it comes to TNA, just remember to associate it with everything that’s wrong in pro wrestling. However, every now and then somebody might mention a wrestler by the name of Broken Matt. I don’t need to tell you who he is, keep in mind that he won’t be able to save TNA. This tip relieves you of the stress of relating this promotion with anything positive.

On the contrary, there are a few notable promotions you shouldn’t look down upon, and those includes:

  • ROH
  • NJPW
  • PWG

Say one bad thing about any of those promotions, you’re most likely to get exiled by wrestling fans.

3. Hate every WWE wrestler that’s receiving a push

By now, you can tell that a lot of this fandom involves complaining, but it doesn’t stop there. This one tip is the biggest key to blending in with pro wrestling fans, and that’s hating every WWE wrestler that’s receiving some sort of push. Even if that wrestler used to be cool with the hardcore fans, the second he or she starts gaining a ton of steam, it’s thumbs down. The second a lovable wrestler becomes mainstream, it’s okay to hate them, and that’s what our community prides ourselves on. Reigns, Rollins, Ambrose, Cena, Styles, Lesnar, Orton, Wyatt, Owens, Banks, Lynch, and Charlotte are all names you should start despising. Believe it or not, this will come back to blaming Vince, which allows for this to come full circle.

roman_reigns_bio-6ff1cda223eee9030a0f017f6410b333

You can basically get away with calling any wrestler from the WWE a bum, but watch out when it comes to other promotions. The wrestlers that don’t compete on the biggest stage are the ones you need to like the most. Trust me, they’re still very good but they haven’t been ruined by mainstream attention. Don’t be afraid to name drop Omega, Naito, Okada, Tanahashi, Young Bucks, or Adam Cole. Just make sure you get ready to dislike them if they ever jump ship to the WWE.

4. Wrestling was much better back in the day

Hey, remember the NWO, the attitude era, and Sandman? Wouldn’t it be great if the world of pro wrestling was still like that? Don’t worry, if you already feel this way, just emphasize it even more. Fans love to look back and reminisce, which eventually leads them to wanting more of that older product. Sure, today’s overall product is newer and suited for the times but you don’t care. Change is bad! There’s just something about unscripted late 90s humor that would do very well on television today.

Credit: WWE.com
Credit: WWE.com
In today’s era of wrestling, the in ring product is ions ahead of whatever happened in the past, but in order to blend in as a wrestling fan you must disregard that. People tend to forget that the internet played a role in ruining the allure of pro wrestling, and that’s mainly why it’s so easy for them to get caught up with the past. A major key for selling this point is picking your favourite wrestler and claiming how he or she would be a great fit for the attitude era.

5. I’m done watching this sh*t every Monday

It doesn’t necessarily have to be every Monday, as it could be a Sunday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday, but there will be one day in the week where you need to declare that you’ll never watch wrestling again. Usually the prime day for this is Monday nights/Tuesday mornings. Fans tend to over analyze Monday Night Raw too much, so to avoid any kind of complicated conversations just simply say “I’m done watching this shit”. In reality, you’re actually not done with it. To many of these folks, wrestling is that girlfriend they can never break up with.

By now I’m sure you’ve figured out that pro wrestling fans are extremely fickle and jaded, so this isn’t something that’s out of the ordinary. Wrestling fans tend to become so invested that they usually forget they’re watching something that’s staged, similar to how most average people view other television shows.

 

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